omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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