Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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