SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
