Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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