if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
