So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
