It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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