he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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