Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
