I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
