3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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