New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i used baking grease as lip gloss
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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