I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
