there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
