hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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