why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
