He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
