dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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