Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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