Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
