god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Let's paint friendship bongs
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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