You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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