im six kinds of drunk right now
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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