He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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