why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
