Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
