last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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