New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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