A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
