you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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