I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
