When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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