they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
