I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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