I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
