If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
