thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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