She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
