From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
