I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
