You're my little dorito
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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