woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
