dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
