i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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