Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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