WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
