She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
time to smoke my breakfast
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
