Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
