I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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