And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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