Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
