Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
