I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
