You made me cry and you don't even care
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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