Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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