grandma shit on top of the toilet
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
