also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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