You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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