Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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