i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
