dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
