is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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