i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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